Friday, September 23, 2005

Chapter of life

I used to like this girl back in my hometown. Here's a story i wrote for Jason Polan one time for some reason about it. 

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A scene from summer

Swing back and forth on the swing set did nothing to smother the burning urge of confused love I was having. It didn’t help that she was on the swing next to me.

            The sun was setting behind the church steeple and it was starting to get a bit nippy. It was around nine o’clock. There were about ten of us at the play ground that night. I was on the swing set with a few other people. Next to me was Mary. Next to her where a few other people. I was on the end. I was swing higher then everyone else. I was quite.

            As the sun went down and the game of pick up basketball ended, everyone started moving toward the tires. I stayed swinging. To my surprise so did XXXXXX. When the last of the swing set crew had joined the rest of the group at the tires, I decided to make my move.

            “XXXXX, I…ahh. Need to talk to you.”

            “Then say it.”

            At that very moment YYYY, XXXXXX’s brother walked over. I couldn’t say what I wanted to say in front of him. I wanted to talk to XXXXXX alone. This was my last opportunity before I left, or at least, pretended to leave.

YYYY, not now. I screamed in my head.

With a dry throat, shaky hands, and a stomach that felt like it just got off the grav-i-tron, I said, “Well I wanted to…ah. Um, you know, ah. Well,..”

            “Nick just say it. He’s family.” XXXXXX sternly said.

            YYYY. Leave.

            “ahhhh. um…” I couldn’t complete the sentence. I didn’t know what to say. It was chance that this happened. I was lost, in the conversation, and, in my mind. I just wanted YYYY to leave.

            “Fine, then it’s not important.”

            YYYY, please leave, I just want to talk to XXXXXX for a second. I feel like I’m dieing.      All I could get out was a sigh. I started swinging. I felt like an idiot. I felt so stupid. I can’t even talk to her. How could I expect her to, love me.

            Hug me. Hold me… I’m such a screw up.

            I continued to swing. I guess I thought if I went high enough It would all go away; this embarrassing conversation, this embarrassing love, and this embarrassing summer. To my surprise, XXXXXX just sat there at her swing. Then, with out saying a word the entire time, YYYY, walked away.

            Thank you Lord, thank you lord. You can do it.

            I slammed my feet to the ground for an abrupt stop. I didn’t want XXXXXX to leave. I kicked dust ever where.

            “XXXXXX, I just wanted to talk to you alone.”

            “What nick.”

            Ouch. 

            “It’s just about, you and me. Um…ever since that one time. You know. I just can’t stop. Um, you know, you and Brent. Last night. I can’t…” My voice was shaky, I didn’t know what to say. Was I even talking.

            Hug me.

            “Nick spit it out. If you don’t stop talking in code I’m just gonna leave. I can’t read your mind.” She seemed mad.

            Think. Calm down. Think. Just say what you wanted to say.

            I took a deep breath.

            “ok, look. Um…ever since I told you I liked you I can’t stop thinking about you. I know you don’t like me. I know this. I’m trying to move on, I…I can’t. I just can’t get you out of my head.” My voice was so shaky. I was sweating. My heart was racing. I felt so stupid.

            What a fuck up.

            “Well, what do you want me to do about it.”

            Just hug me. Kiss me.

            I sighed. “I don’t know.” My contacts were loosing there dryness. “um…I just wanted to talk to you. I, thought it would help. I didn’t know who to talk to. My mind is just so crazy right now.”

            “Why didn’t you talk to Janna. (SOME DUDE) talked to Janna when he like me.”

            Cuz I got balls.

            “I don’t know, I just thought this would help. Every time I see you, I can’t stop thinking about how to get you to like me. Lately, it’s been getting worse. Even when were not together I can’t stop thinking about you. I just want it to go away. I feel like a…frig…fuck’n Junior higher.”

            Grow up. This doesn’t happen to anyone else.

            “Nick, this is awkward.”

            “I know. Do you think this is easy for me. I can’t make it go away. I have tried everything. I have been praying about it for so long. Every time I see you, I am either thinking about how to get you to like me or praying to God to make it stop. It won’t go away. I’m so confused.”

            XXXXXX, hug me.

            “Nick, I don’t think I can talk about this anymore.”

            “umm, I should go.”

            “No, you, you don’t have to leave.”

            “I have to go. I’ll see you in like a week… Bye.”

            There go your chances.

            I got off the swing. I didn’t feel any better. I needed to go. I was a few steps away when XXXXXX said, “Nick.” I turned around expecting a some sort put down. Something to make me cry, more. “I care about you.”

            “I know.”

            I know.

            I made a B-line to my car. I saw my friends at the tires. I yelled to them. “See yea, I gotta go, I don’t feel good. I’m going to Grand Rapids. I’ll be back on Monday. Don’t try and call. I won’t be home.”

            There was a collective, “see yea.” I knew they were thinking about what me and XXXXXX were talking about. They thought we were doing it already. I wonder what they were thinking now.

            I said I was going to Grand Rapids. I haven’t even told my parents yet. I need there car to get there too.

            I walked to my car and drove away. I went home, earlier then usual, lonelier then usual, and I felt depressed, as usual.

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